Don’t Feed The Doolgeeze (Lest They Feed You)!

by. Matt Herzberg

By order of the the city of Distinct Poplar; do not feed the Doolgeeze!

This block has been safely baited (where needed) as of this date, by order of the city council planning commission, and it’s associated sub committees with the purview of pest control and semi-intelligent , medium-sized, long tailed rodents.

Doolgeeze are the size of your fist and covered in dark fur. They have a bulbous body with six legs; the bottom four ended in paws and the front two are curved upward and extended in small hands. The head is extended out with an elongated snout which is pointed at the end. Inside it’s mouth is a barbed tongue between two rows of teeth.

Doolgeeze bait has been buried where DOOLGEEZE can (and will) find it - but where it is unlikely to be found by pets, children, and concerned citizens with a mind to stay out of dumpsters and refuse bins.

We need your help to eliminate the Doolgeeze problem in this area.

Don't Feed The Doolgeeze (Lest They Feed You)! 

In such a case immediately contact the city sub committee for ingested foreign objects and poison control centers. Doolgeeze bait is (almost) completely non-lethal to most citizens. Less serious effects may include: nausea (may persist for several months); stomach pain, indigestion, constipation, gas; weakness, tired feeling; dry mouth, unpleasant taste in your mouth; headache; or sleep problems (insomnia) or unusual dreams.

Stay away from massive assortments of garbage, dumpsters, and refuse collection centers.

Doolgeeze are crafty and more intelligent then most rats and similar vermin. They have been known to focus their attention on Seeker/Pickers and Dumpster Divers. Large infestations of Doolgeeze have been known to create constructs called, vurghulls in order to entice price-conscious scavengers and pickers seeking “vintage treasures”. If this applies to you or someone you may know - BEWARE, vurghulls have been classified by the city engineer collective as “very convincing”, and may contain 1-3 Doolgeeze nests.

Doolgeeze are not pets! Do not keep Doolgeeze!

Doolgeeze are dangerous disease carriers, and should not be kept like a traditional pet. Rumors may persist about training, but the city commission subcommittee of acceptable domesticated animal life has issued a statement saying; “Doolgeeze are a danger to you and your family”.

My Very Strange Neighbor And My Very Unsightly Back

In this disgusting short story of modern storybook horror; a coarse-mouthed and judgmental new tenant relates the terrifyingly odd events transpiring in their filthy apartment building. One neighbor in particular has taken a seemingly sinister interest in them, and the unrest suffered from a growing tumor in the tenant’s back. Is the creepy neighbor the cause or the cure to this mutation, and will the tenant survive to find out whats befallen them? Find out what happens in this unsettling tall tale set in a fairy tale city with a truly dark and sinister edge.

Matt Herzberg